Hello, there! My name is Viola. I am a size 20. I weigh 235 pounds. I am 5’5″. Yes, I am fat.
Whew, now that that’s out of the way, we can move on to more important business.
I have always been a big girl… except once. Once I weighed less than my sister, but I don’t think birth weight really counts; I mean we’re only talking a few ounces anyway. There have been a few moments in my life when I wasn’t fat. I was big, but I wasn’t fat. I distinctly remember a period between 15 – 19 that I looked good. I was proportionate, I COULD wear a bikini, and I wasn’t flabby, either. I was down to a size 14/16 at that point. I was happy and I looked amazing.
Now, after having a child, I have struggled to find that size again. I was getting close a few years ago, but I let myself go. I don’t know if it was the comfort of finding an amazing man that loved me for me, or if it was laziness. I don’t want to take FULL responsibility for this, so I will say it was a joint effort.
Now, before I continue, I should probably start from the beginning. I was a big kid. My best friend growing up was lean, thin and active. She played sports and everything. However, one thing I pride myself on is that I was never the kid to stay home and do nothing. We did our fair share of playing video games and watching TV, but we were out. We were always riding our bikes, skateboarding for a brief period of time, roller blading, out exploring our neighborhood and getting into trouble. I wasn’t skinny. I couldn’t run a mile in less than 10 minutes, not even in 6th grade. It wasn’t the food my mom cooked either. It wasn’t the healthiest all of the time, but it wasn’t full of fat and junk food either. I was just naturally big.
My high school days I started slimming down a little, but I wasn’t watching what I ate. I was a little more active, joining the volleyball team, playing the games in PE when I decided to dress out, I even danced a little in Jazz Dance. I was having fun and being active. I slimmed down to the point of not being skinny, but I was fit, so to speak.
However, when I stumbled across a Facebook page this morning (found here) I had an epiphany. I was the secret girlfriend. I would be the one that the popular guys talked to in private. They always came to my house when no one was around. At school, they didn’t talk to me or acknowledge my existence. Hell, even the MAN of my dreams, Shawn Clark, even only spoke to me outside of school and usually at my house. No one even knew he talked to me. My hot boyfriends (the popular ones) only dated me through the summer and disappeared when school started again. Chris, Justin, Travis, Josh… they were all guilty of it and I didn’t realize this was happening until this morning. It really is no wonder that I have been so screwed up in the head. My best friend (at the time), her current husband even cheated on her with me while she was away; he won’t EVER admit it, even when they broke up briefly.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there were a few that didn’t mind being seen with me. I am very grateful for them as well. The other Chris had no problem letting people know we were together. DJ, we were brief, but he didn’t hide it. Jeremy was angry that I wasn’t more affectionate in public, but we did go to the Winter Formal together. Sad thing is, I can count the boys that would publicly say we were together on one hand. Jeremy and I were never a couple, though. That was my own doing, though. He scared me because I knew we could really be something… I pushed him away.
Anyway, my point is this. I was an embarrassment to boys, and I think it was because I wasn’t considered “HOT” by the people that drove the tiny little world of high school. It really wasn’t until after high school that I realized that there are some men, more than I thought, that like big girls. I dated, after high school, men that I thought were the hottest things known to human existence. Darren was a skinny little punk from Moreno Valley that was amazing for my self esteem and my confidence. Little did I know he was a thief and stole a bunch of money from me, but he made me feel confident to put on a bikini and go swimming or wear something cute out to a party or something. Tom, aside from him being the biggest asshole in the world, also made me feel important as long as no one knew about us. It wasn’t until I met my first real heartbreak that I felt on top of the world. He was older. He was also extremely hot and all of the girls at work wanted him, but he chose me. He could have had ANY girl he wanted there, but I was the one by his side. He’s taken now, but she’s not a spring chicken either ;). The best thing about him was that he didn’t try to hide me. I met his family, we went places, did things together. I even almost uprooted my life to move with him far away; I’m glad I didn’t, but I almost did.
Now I am in the most healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. My boyfriend’s ex-wife is not a skinny girl. His step-mom is actually the reason I stumbled upon that page this morning. I have never felt so accepted before. His family encourages me to be me. They don’t try to tell me I’m fat or tell me that I need to lose weight. Even his kids tell me I’m not fat. It has been a huge self-esteem booster. I have never once in my life been told that I am perfect the way I am. It’s scary, but it’s just what I needed to hear. We even joke that he is a Chubby Chaser, but I realize he doesn’t like fat girls. He likes confidence and finds beauty beneath the weight.
I’m on this journey with you. My self-discovery will only continue as I beat down those haters with my confidence, my struggles and ultimately my triumph. I am doing this for me. No one else matters on this quest.
With all of this new enlightenment hitting me, I have no choice but to write. Hopefully, other fat girls will look to me for inspiration. I can tell you, ladies, it does get better.