Well, I could write a long note here providing you with a million and a half excuses of why I haven’t been writing.
Truth is, I have been writing. I haven’t been writing anything substantial however. I have mostly been writing to keep a daily log so that my psychologist (Yes, I am seeing a psychologist!) and I could find patterns to my periods of craziness. Rest assured, all we have come up with is that I get a little wacked out around menstruation time. Not that alarming, actually seems to be pretty normal.
“A psychologist?” You ask. Yes, I am seeing a psychologist. Free of charge, in fact. I thought it would be a good time to utilize some of the free things that are offered on campus that I technically pay for through tuition and student health fees. However, seeing my psychologist was the best decision I have ever made. After my friend, Mindy, died, I noticed (weird, I noticed it more than anyone) that my life was becoming very bleak… mundane, possibly, but bleak. I was in a depression, a deep funk that I couldn’t pull myself out of no matter how much I looked around me and saw things that I should be proud of: my daughter being the awesome little 6 year old she is, a HEALTHY-ish brand new relationship with the greatest man I’ve ever been with, my undergraduate courses coming to an end… I should have been feeling like I was standing on a mountain yelling at everyone below me to do something with their life. Yet, I wasn’t proud of myself. I was angry with myself because I am 26 and have a 6 year old with no career, no job even. I was angry because no matter how good my boyfriend is to me, I still felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. Yes, my undergraduate course requirements are becoming smaller and smaller and I am damn proud of that achievement, but I find myself staring down the barrel of a metaphorical shotgun with the person holding the trigger screaming at me, “It’s do or die, which path are you going to choose?” All of these things were very, very discouraging for me and my self-esteem. I gained weight so I was angry at myself for that, and becoming angry at Daniel for feeding me so well. All of these things were causing me to spin out of control into downward spiral and I was not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel… until I started seeing my psychologist.
Now I am proud to report that most days I am depression free. I do not fear what is after college. In fact, I’m excited that pretty soon I’ll be a college graduate! I adore the fact that I am 26 with a 6 year old. When I’m 40, she’ll be 20! That means when she starts having kids, I’ll still be the cool grandma that can get down on the floor and play with them. I’m glad I had her so young in life, yes it’s been a struggle and no it has not been easy, but I’m ecstatic that the possibility of my education rubbing off on her is exponentially greater because she got to experience college life with me. I feel better now that I’m learning the coping tools and methods to get me on the straight and narrow, so I can be that better mom, daughter, sister, girlfriend and teacher. I’m excited for what is to become of me.
Also, one thing we’re (my psychologist and I) working on is my “need” to control everything. Life has no guarantees. I
can’t plan everything and that is one thing that I need to learn. I can’t control everything and this has been the hardest lesson to learn. It’s a work in progress.
So that’s it. That is why I have been absent. I’ve been working on me, the real me. I’ve been trying to find myself again in this crazy, chaotic world.
It’s not easy to admit you need help. Fortunately the stigma against seeing someone has all but vanished.