They say time heals everything… I sure hope so.
It’s not just a friend’s death that has been catapulting me into the deep abyss of nothingness and emptiness (although it does hurt)… it’s everything.
The world is filled with so much hate and anger, poverty and struggles, and greed. A friend of mine once told me a few years ago that he didn’t want to become a parent because he didn’t feel that raising a child in this world would be a good thing. Every day on the news, its death, burglaries, evil… Granted there are those good things in life, like those willing to help their neighbors in times of need, the rich feeding the poor (a rare occurrence so it seems), and general goodwill throughout the world.
I’m fearful of what can happen. I know that I can sleep at night knowing that I’m raising my daughter the best I can, but I am terrified to death that she may make the wrong decisions in life. I don’t want her to end up on the wrong path that leads to drugs and destruction. She’s a very bright girl and has a very bright future; that is, if she doesn’t stray from the path I am feverishly trying so hard to put her on.
I’m depressed because it seems like life always goes smoothly for a month, maybe two, and then something catastrophic happens: a car breaks down that I can’t afford to fix, a pet needs surgery because she swallowed a fake plastic flower that got stuck in her intestines, my daughter needs to see a doctor without insurance, etc. It’s a struggle every day, and although I don’t mind the struggles, I wish for once I wouldn’t have to worry about that stuff. I don’t want to have to worry about the mundane day to day things. I want to be happy and stay that way.
I don’t want to be fat anymore. I wish there was some miracle drug that didn’t harm the body that made you a healthy weight instantly. It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that I’m impatient. I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I’ve become, and I hate that I know that I am the only one that can do something about it. My boyfriend is really good at encouraging, but he’s really bad at leading by example. There’s always dessert, there’s always junk food. One day, I’m tempted to just go through the cupboards and empty it all out and tell him and the kids that they can starve if they don’t want to eat healthy. I’m tired of having to buy separate things because one kid or one adult doesn’t like this particular item.
So now that I’ve identified the triggers, next step is doing something about them.
*sigh* I’ll just start tomorrow.
Medical expenses, which I know something about, are skyrocketing. Going into any medical establishment without insurance is a terrifying and costly experience. They want to squeeze every dime out of you before you die and that seems to be the only reason they (investors, insurance and management) care to keep you alive. Get medical insurance any way you can. I need to follow my own advice.
Luckily, the very few times I’ve had to take her in, it hasn’t cost me more than what her co-pay was with insurance. Something catastrophic that requires emergency medical treatment, as opposed to something urgent care or her doctor can handle, would be devastating at this point. Her father is working on getting her insurance. He is supposed to be trying to get a job with his instructor at UEI (Medical Assistant) so hopefully, she’ll be taken care of and soon.